Am I trying hard enough?

For some reason, I find it hard to make friends in real life and my communication skills is not as good as before since I spend most of my time talking online like usual. Well, I've been trying to go out more lately which is good I guess. Laughing and talking with friends the other day made me forget about my PC and the feeling of wanting to get on just disappeared. I actually have a lot of free time since I don't participate in a lot of activities but sadly I waste it all on playing video games and searching for random things on the net instead of doing something productive.

I don't know why but I just don't seem to care about my studies and mostly fall asleep in class waiting for it to end then when a teacher says there's a test or something I get worried and can't seem to stop thinking about it. I actually have one this Wednesday for Chemistry so I guess I'm doomed. Tried to re-read the notes and I barely understand anything! Wish I had someone to study with but that's impossible since this is university and everyone is busy with their own problems. Trying to fix my bad habits right now which isn't working and when I get motivated it just usually last for a few hours. I really really need to get a new hobby lol Happy (Early) Halloween to those who celebrate it!

University life!

Hey! Almost forgot that this blog existed lol Anyway, I finally managed to drive alone after so long but only back and forth from university. I'm still not familiar with most of the roads but if I happen to get lost I'll just rely on Google Maps or something unless my phone is dead then I'm doomed ;w; The first month of university has been alright so far, not so stressful and made a few new friends. Still end up going home every time though after class ends then waste time on the PC like usual :/ Have an MIB presentation this Saturday and I've prepared nothing for it! Hopefully I can get it done by tomorrow and have the courage to present in front of people.

Oh right, a few weeks ago I went for an endoscopy and it was really unpleasant. Thought I won't feel anything since they sprayed some medicine at my throat. Feeling the tube moving around in my stomach was strangely okay and not painful at all. The worst was when they forced it in and pulled it out, never want to feel that ever again! After getting out of the room my lips were swollen, throat was painful when I swallowed (I think they accidentally cut my throat or something) and my stomach hurts. Went to the doctor 2 days ago and he said everything was okay, just needed to continue taking meds for 3 months. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting but the meds have some horrible side effects which makes me want to stop taking them. Can't wait for the day I finish everything.

The last day of Steam Summer Sale

Hey hey! Been staying up late lately due to the sales and I'm so glad it's over. I can now sleep peacefully not having to worry about good deals. Bought almost everything I wanted and I'm quite satisfied with what I got. The only painful thing is that the size of the games altogether is around 130GB which is going to take a while to download. Can't wait to try everything out! :D

I honestly don't know anymore

Recently, my head has been starting to hurt every single day and I've been trying my best to get rid of it. I have no idea what the cause is though, could it be depression? Is it even possible to be depressed without realising it? Or is my mind dying from boredom? I've been starting to think that I've done something really bad without realising and now... this is what I deserve I guess. I tried playing some video games lately and they drive me insane! Looks like it's time for me to get a new hobby now but I have no idea what lol I'm still learning Japanese but not much progress since I have a hard time remembering Kanji which is going to be a whole lot scarier later on.

I'm not sure if I should build a custom PC anymore since like I said above, I can't stand video games for some reason though it really looks fun to assemble stuff! I might go watch more videos about it later but now I'm just killing time waiting for new 'deals' which is another bad habit of mine. What to do now? I ask myself this too much everyday, way too much. The idea of driving and going out doesn't seem that appealing to me right now, tried picking up my guitar and play some music but ended up putting it back a few minutes after, loaded a bunch of random videos on YouTube but got bored fast and blah blah blah. Can someone recommend me something fun that I missed out? Would appreciate it a lot. (I don't like reading :p) Well, that's it from me! Goodbye.

Passed my driving test!

Just woke up from my afternoon nap and it feels like a dream that I passed my driving test lol For some reason I wasn't nervous at all and was like 'I'm going to fail' repeatedly in my head since I actually drove kinda fast. Now that's out of the way, all I have to do now is get a job though I have no idea where to apply at >_> I'll probably end up as a driver, sending my little brother to school and picking him up, shop for stuff etc. Oh well, at least I get to drive to places alone and probably hang out with friends more often now...?

That reminds me, it has been almost 2 weeks since I last logged in to my Steam account and it is surprisingly okay though I sometimes have the urge to get back on and play some video games :|

I'll probably get back when the counter reaches to zero? It used to be 100+ hours most of the time (I need help HAHAHA)

I still have a bad habit of buying video games from time to time though even though I have a lot already to finish. Just bought the bundle shown above and I couldn't resist since it was only for a dollar :p

Some random pics

Can I just lay down and stare and the sky for hours?

Still thin like usual :T

I'm still alive?

Hey hey, it's been a while. Decided to stop playing video games for a while since I've finally reached the point where they're not fun anymore and they make me sick! For the past 2 days I have been going out (not with friends of course duh) and not touching my laptop and it somehow feels great though I really have no idea how to kill time now lol Still haven't got my driver's license yet and it's been like what, 5 months? Driving is somewhat fun now since I've learned everything and the driving instructor brought me out the learning area...? I still make silly little mistakes though which worries me since my exam is quite near.

Recently watched Infinite Stratos Season 2 and it was okay but not okay at the same time as I felt that something was missing and I hope Season 3 will be better if they even do make one. Other than that, watched Love Live! School Idol Project which surprisingly has good story and characters in it. I would totally recommend it even to an adult to watch it! Watching them sing and dance together never fails to put a smile on my face :3

(I think I broke the replay button)

That reminds me, I hope that my parents allow me to buy some PC parts next month when we visit Miri. Building a custom PC seems fun (I watched a few videos recently) and scary at the same time lol Only reason why I want a new one is cause my current laptop have some issues when playing games which is pretty darn annoying. NEVER BUY A DELL LAPTOP PEOPLE!!! I'm outta things to write, goodbye.

Learning Japanese

Hey! It's been a while since I last posted. For the past few days I've been trying my best to study Japanese and so far I'm not doing so good. There's just so many Kanji to remember that I don't even know where to start. Grammar wise it's okay but it takes some time to remember what this and that stuff is for. I guess its better than me playing video games all day :P Anyway, this is just going to be a short post and I'll dump my list of vocab here just cause saving at the notepad turns all the Japanese characters into question marks which is weird lol

人 - hi-to - person
学生 - gaku-sei - student
元気 - gen-ki - healthy; lively
友達 - tomo-dachi - friend
うん - un - yes (casual)
ううん - uun - no (casual)
明日 - ashita - tomorrow
今日 - kyou - today
試験 - shiken - exam
私 - watashi - I; me; myself
犬 - inu - dog
おはよう - ohayou - good morning
おはようございます - ohayou gozaimasu - good morning (polite)
こんにちは - konnichiwa - good day
こんばんは - konbanwa - good evening
皆 - minna - everybody
皆さん - minasan - everybody (polite)
はじめまして - hajimemashite - nice to meet you
いい - ii - good
かわいい - kawaii - cute
急がし - isogashi - busy
 新らし - atarashi - new
好き - suki - likable
有名 - yuumei - famous
きれい - kirei - pretty; clean
どんな - donna - what kind of
先生 - sensei - teacher
そう - that is so; (it's) like that
誕生日 - tan-jou-bi - birthday
天気 - tenki - weather
車 - kuruma - car
日本 - nihon - japan
大学 - dai-gaku - college
楽しい - tano-shii - fun
誰 - dare - who
名前 - na-mae - name
日本語 - japanese (language)
おもしろい - omoshiroi - interesting; amusing
雨 - ame - rain
大丈夫 - dai-jou-bu - ok
動物 - dou-butsu - animal
何 - nani/nan - what
本 - hon - book
話 - hanashi - story
猫 - neko - cat
だめ - dame - no good
すみません - sumimasen - sorry (polite expression)
難しい - musuga-shi - hard; difficult
簡単 - kan-tan - easy
暇 - hima - free (as in not busy)

こそあど (kosoado) words

こう - kou - like this
そう - sou - like that
ああ - aa - like that (over there)
どう - dou - how

ここ - koko - here
そこ - soko - there
あそこ- asoko - there (over there)
どこ - doko - where

objects only
これ - kore - this 
それ - sore - that
あれ - are - that (over there)
どれ - dore - which

この - kono - this 
その - sono - that
あの - ano - that (over there)
どの - dono - which

か - inquisitive tone
よ - point something out or make something aware to the listener
ね - seek agreement / confirmation

What is life?

Hey, accidentally fell asleep and I just woke up. Who knew playing games the whole afternoon and a few hours at night could be really tiring o.o For the past few months, I've been feeling really lonely and it's getting worse day by day. Anyway, I honestly regret not socializing with people at MD more and with people from the internet instead. Not saying that I don't like my online friends or anything but I should've balanced my social life. Sure, talking to a few of my old friends is nice and great but it still doesn't get rid of the loneliness. I need to go out, let go all of these emotions that I've been keeping for more than a year. For example, what does it feel like to laugh at lame jokes with friends? I don't know anymore. Feel like a robot right now who is broken beyond repair.

In fact, why am I still active on social networks? There's no point in checking them since people rarely text me and yet I still visit. My self-esteem is at its lowest point right now and nothing is going to change it. Sure, people have told me to man the fuck up and go out but seriously, everybody seems to be busy with their current friends, working etc. Thinking a few years back, I just realised that I never did anything worthwhile that would make people remember about me. Am I just going to be that 'guy' that just sits down and talk when questions are asked? I never really did have anything worth talking about with people. Knowing about PC related stuff is kinda useless here since there's barely anyone I know who's into it.

Playing games and watching anime used to keep me from feeling lonely and thinking about things like these but now it just doesn't work anymore. I've played far too many games which made me lost that sense of enjoyment I once had. Same goes for anime, I can't even laugh when watching a comedy anime or feel like crying when a really sad moment plays. Heck, caring about something or someone is probably a lie since I lost most of my feelings. Am I still normal enough to be called human? Who knows. I've lost all will to actually put an effort into something. Sleeping forever and living in my dreams doesn't sound so bad right now.

It would be nice if I could just relive my high school/college life once again but what difference would it make? Most of the time when talking to people in a group, they would just ignore me and it kinda hurts. Speak louder? Try to make them notice? I've tried alright. Then again, I never told any funny jokes or a horror story before since I suck at those. I wonder, is there someone out there who genuinely likes the way I am right now or from before? I wish I could just be a person who couldn't care less about stuff and try to enjoy life.

I know I'm still young and should be making mistakes since it's easier to fix now compared to later but I just don't know where to start. I feel so lost right now, wandering on an endless road. Am I actually asking for too much? I probably am and just not giving my all. Well, I'll just stop here for now since everything feels jumbled up and doesn't make sense but it feels great to let everything out. Goodbye to anybody who still reads this crappy blog.