Hey, accidentally fell asleep and I just woke up. Who knew playing games the whole afternoon and a few hours at night could be really tiring o.o For the past few months, I've been feeling really lonely and it's getting worse day by day. Anyway, I honestly regret not socializing with people at MD more and with people from the internet instead. Not saying that I don't like my online friends or anything but I should've balanced my social life. Sure, talking to a few of my old friends is nice and great but it still doesn't get rid of the loneliness. I need to go out, let go all of these emotions that I've been keeping for more than a year. For example, what does it feel like to laugh at lame jokes with friends? I don't know anymore. Feel like a robot right now who is broken beyond repair.
In fact, why am I still active on social networks? There's no point in checking them since people rarely text me and yet I still visit. My self-esteem is at its lowest point right now and nothing is going to change it. Sure, people have told me to man the fuck up and go out but seriously, everybody seems to be busy with their current friends, working etc. Thinking a few years back, I just realised that I never did anything worthwhile that would make people remember about me. Am I just going to be that 'guy' that just sits down and talk when questions are asked? I never really did have anything worth talking about with people. Knowing about PC related stuff is kinda useless here since there's barely anyone I know who's into it.
Playing games and watching anime used to keep me from feeling lonely and thinking about things like these but now it just doesn't work anymore. I've played far too many games which made me lost that sense of enjoyment I once had. Same goes for anime, I can't even laugh when watching a comedy anime or feel like crying when a really sad moment plays. Heck, caring about something or someone is probably a lie since I lost most of my feelings. Am I still normal enough to be called human? Who knows. I've lost all will to actually put an effort into something. Sleeping forever and living in my dreams doesn't sound so bad right now.
It would be nice if I could just relive my high school/college life once again but what difference would it make? Most of the time when talking to people in a group, they would just ignore me and it kinda hurts. Speak louder? Try to make them notice? I've tried alright. Then again, I never told any funny jokes or a horror story before since I suck at those. I wonder, is there someone out there who genuinely likes the way I am right now or from before? I wish I could just be a person who couldn't care less about stuff and try to enjoy life.
I know I'm still young and should be making mistakes since it's easier to fix now compared to later but I just don't know where to start. I feel so lost right now, wandering on an endless road. Am I actually asking for too much? I probably am and just not giving my all. Well, I'll just stop here for now since everything feels jumbled up and doesn't make sense but it feels great to let everything out. Goodbye to anybody who still reads this crappy blog.
